Week 19..or is it 18 with the 17HJ?

I’m not sure what week it is.  Does it matter?  I get frustrated at times with this rebellious streak in me that just BUCKS every so often.  And truthfully, lately much more so.  And I haven’t decided yet if it needs to be fought and contained (aka, buckle down even more)  or if it just needs to run its course to which I begin yet again.  I’ve really alternated between the two, but more so than I’d like, subs seems to take over and it has its way with me before I get back to it.   I’m really hoping it means I’m closer to resolving it all, like the last kick before subs gets with the program (aka, MY program)

But if I’m honest with myself, I know that’s not the case.  A lifetime and generations of habitual behaviors, they need constant vigilance.   Constant resetting.  Constant reminders. I imagine this is another reason why a Mastermind is so important.  Because in that moment, when you slip into old thought patterns or behavior,  there’s someone to poke you and wake you up to what you are doing – to remind you of what you originally set out to do and to get back at it.  There’s a lovely woman from MKMMA this past week who did just that and I’m grateful to have connected with her.  Connecting with her light this week, I realize I really can’t do it on my own.  (I hate that word, btw – I feel like I CAN, have done most things by myself,why not this too – this might be where my stubborn self falls down). Figuring things out is a lot different than changing habits long term. Clearly. That subconscious is strong in its ways. And anyway we can help each other is a blessing for us all. Especially when we are talking about something so important as doing  your purpose and living your dreams.

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Week 18 – Getting Back in Gear

This week has been difficult to get back up and running to my former rhythm.  The old habits that I’ve had just want to take over to soften my ‘tough’ week.  And I’ve felt anger bubbling unexpectedly from I don’t even know where.  Serious anger.  Yesterday, I  spoke to a friend I hadn’t connected with in awhile.  We had met years ago at a spiritual self/business improvement seminar, both of us having dreams or goals we were working towards we agreed to connect periodically and see how we could help.   Yesterday it just struck me, the sense of desperation that oozed from him and how little change he’s been able to muster in the course of the several years that I now know him.  And it saddens me.  Even sharing the course, fell on deaf ears.   I can’t think that he wants to stay there, who would? Yet at the same token I could see his habits so engrained, his attachment to his low emotions – there was no getting through.   In a weird way, this is just what I needed to see.   He was showing me my choice.  I could become complacent, go back to my old habits and lower the bar back down to a comfortable place.  But where would that actually take me?   I already am pretty familiar with what that picture looks like. My friend was showing me, in case I forgot.  OR I could be and create something different, what exactly – I don’t know. And that’s a little scary, if I’m honest.  Could it be worse? Why do I even go there?  How can it be,  if I’m starting out at a better space, won’t the end inevitably be better?  There’s only one way to find out – discover what happens – and to just trust in this.  And embrace it all as part of the fun along the way.

Week 17 Out sick

This week I’ve pretty much been railroaded most the whole week with the flu – rest, fluids, baths and self care has been front and center.  And it seems to be taking its dear sweet time in moving through.  Still knee deep in recovery, it took me by surprise that a  package was delivered in the mail from my guide.  A card, with a bookmark with the shapes along with  compass magnifying glass – it was just what I needed to lift my spirits.  And she had no idea Ive been sick.  It was such a thoughtful surprise.  Thanks Deanna!

Week 16 – The Franklin Makeover

So we are in week two of this Franklin Makeover…As I mentioned in last weeks post – I replaced one of the attributes with Moderation and of course, this week is Kindness week.   I was anticipating…well, I don’t know exactly what I was anticipating.  But, I guess not quite this.

I took the word Moderation to a sit in order to discover what it actually means to me. The intention was having the opposite effect of what I desired.  Last week I had wrote about Moderation in terms of over/under achieving, which is true.  But it also applies to my eating patterns as of late (as I’ve been eating myself out of house and home)  As I sat with the word it became clear to me, that with moderation, I associated a restriction of behavior, limitation, and having to force myself to hold back, to which I immediately rebel with ‘Oh No – I am not’ and proceed to the extreme I was trying to avoid.

In another sit, I reflected how Moderation, is often seen what is needed to create balance and how nature naturally shows balance.  The sun shines so intently for part of the day and then there is complete darkness.  Overall, there’s a balance, but within the course of the day, there exists both extremes.  Same is true for the seasons (unless you live in Kauai ;).

Google search defines Moderation as ‘an avoidance of excess or extremes’, synonyms being restraint, self-restraint, self-control, self-discipline’  No wonder.  With an overly strict and domineering upbringing – this is not going to work.

By the end of the week, I decided on a new word that I liked better.  Abundance.  There can be abundance in fasting (in the cleansing and healing process) and there is abundance in feeding (the building process). Abundance in a winter (of resting, stillness and quietude) and in summer (BBQs, beaches and activity).  I can find tremendous abundance in eating a fresh plain apple. The nutrition it provides, the color, scent, how it grew, where it came from – this amazing thing that just grew from a tiny seed to feed my body.  Even if it were all I consumed – with this framework, it would feel like such a treat instead of ‘not enough’ and hence going to extremes.  Maybe there’s a better word, but I’ll  try this one out.

With Kindness I didn’t notice the patterns of extremes, but I saw again that talk of ‘not enough’ creeped in at times (Although now that I’m thinking of it, I think the patterns of extremes were there too) It was heart warming to read all the kindnesses people saw and did during the day and fun (if a little challenging) to think of new things that I could do and pretty amazing to start to see how quickly it mirrored back to me. Its a practice that I intend to continue to do my best at.  The biggest takeaway, is that I realized how many day-to-day kindnesses I’ve taken for granted – both things that I do and what others do for me.  And just how quickly it shifts the whole dynamic and the energy in recognizing it.  And also,  just how much time I spend alone and working by myself at home, when I could be sharing kindnesses.  What a cool thing to see in action.   And now that I think of it – what a great application of Abundance 🙂

Week 15 – Sneaky Ol Habits

After the big holidays and I feel pretty good about staying on track in comparison to say Thanksgiving break (which left a whole lot to be desired, in terms of staying on course) As mentioned in week 13, there definitely seems to be a lightness that has taken place and settled in that feels almost foreign.  In my college psychology classes, it was drilled into my head ‘Correlation does not equal Causation’ – so my analytical self is hesitant to give credit to one particular thing without knowing that for sure that it is, indeed, the cause. (There was a whole lot of healing that took place for me in this past year outside this course)

That being said though, I think it speaks volumes that I don’t care to find out.  Still on the Mental Diet (I keep losing track of what day I’m on), I’m so acutely aware of how terrible it feels in my body and how scattered my focus gets when I entertain anything that takes my train off track.  Its become more obvious to me, the effects, the triggers and how its just not worth it.

I’ve become aware of little habits of self sabotage that masquerade themselves as progress.  Last week I had missed completing my service (or should I say 3 services, and during a week I knew I was a holiday and vacation week – what was I thinking..and yes, I know I’m only supposed to put one down per week)  I did my best but at 11:59pm, having started on all of them, they were too big to get done.  Even in that moment, the typical rush of procrastination, deadlines, working at the list minute -peptides kicked in and felt horribly familiar as did the disappointment of not actually doing what I said I was going to do.

I also noticed how lately I hesitate and wait to put my next service down for DAYS after the webcast.  Sometimes I run out of time. Not because I don’t want to Do It Now, but I hem and haw over what to do because there’s so much I could be doing. As you might guess, the week slips away and I have yet another reason to do more the next week, to make up for the miss (This is how I ended up with 3 for the week) I find it a fascinating addiction – trying hard to do well (overachieving) that I bomb out (underachieving), only to up the ante (perfectionism and overachieving) and repeat it over again. What a peptide rollercoaster.    Its one that snuck in there, a little at a time again, and had we not been practicing and adding to this process week after week, I’m sure it would have gone unnoticed.

These two things alone are huge and I can see what a cascading effect they have.

Oh and my Franklin word of the week is Moderation.  That so fits  😀

 

 

 

Week 14 – October Sky

I just finished watching the movie for the week.

I picked this particular movie as I’d already seen Rudy some time back, and I’m pretty sure I had seen Cool Runnings at one point too.

Although I’ve seen many films that have a similar theme of heroically overcoming seemingly impossible obstacles, it was interesting to put it through the framework of having a Definite Major Purpose (DMP), Positive Mental Attitude (PMA), Plan of Action (POA) and Master Mind Alliance (MMA) – what Mark calls the 4 habits of persistence.

Sure enough, the main character, Homer, exhibited all.  Inspired by the first satellite launched in space, he declared he was going to build a rocket (DMP). Despite all the ridicule and discouragement he received by his family, his school, friends as well steep odds, he continued on (PMA).  Despite not knowing how to do it at all or being weak in subject areas (math), he began with the first step – enlisting somebody who knew more than he did about it.  And from there, taking one step at a time, doing what was necessary to hone and refine his rocket launch experiments (POA).  He had support from a multitude of people – first his teacher who believed in his idea, then his ‘rocket boys’  partners wanted to help him succeed and a miner who helped him with the welding and engineering of the parts (MMA).  Eventually, once the townspeople saw how close he was to success, they began to believe in him and wanted to help him break the odds of being stuck with a miners life in a miners town.  With odds of a million to one to win the national science fair and receive a college scholarship, he kept going despite a multitude of setbacks, including a stolen display.  He persisted and he won.  Based on a true story, Homer went on to become an actual rocket scientist at Nasa that helped to launch shuttles into space.

Interestingly enough, if you take any of those 4 pieces out (DMP, PMA, POA, MMA) – there isn’t a movie or a story for that matter.   Without the DMP, there would be no direction or focus in what he’s doing – no movie. Without the PMA, Homer would have been swallowed up by the cement that the rest of the townspeople were – He never would have gotten started.  Without the POA, following the next step for his traction point, he probably would have gotten overwhelmed with all he didn’t know and just stopped.  And lastly, without the MMA, there would have been nobody who would have been there to steer him back to his DMP at those times when he was discouraged by the cement that still lingered all around him. In those times of almost giving up, the MMA believed in him enough until he believed in himself again.

So…it would seem that these 4 pieces are indeed necessary to chisel through the cement and to achieve any real success in an area that is a stretch outside of the norm.  I imagine the bigger the stretch or difference between the goal and the cement – the more critical it is that these apply – to counteract the mental chatter and triggers of said cement.

The cool thing though, as these are habits, they can be applied to anything, regardless of how “unlikely” a goal.  And with its persistence – the key to its eventual success.  That means there is literally nothing that one cannot do.

Which then begs the question….If you can do anything, what really do you want to do?

 

Week 13 – Changes afoot

Wow wee-  Its so hard to believe that its been 13 weeks and that we are half way through.

As always I feel like I’m playing a little bit of catch up each week (kind of like paddling really hard under the water to stay afloat with the program), but I’ve noticed this week I look forward to doing the activities.  I find I’ve been better at making time for them rather than feeling the resistance and struggle to get myself to get it done.  I suspect that a part of me has caught on that this is doing some real good for me….and I need to do as much of it as I can, and then some.

It can be challenging to notice changes when you are working by yourself most of the time.  This week, however, I saw people whom I haven’t seen in awhile and I was surprised to hear from both of them how much my energy has shifted and how things seem to be coming together for me.

I had to admit it, I feel it.  And I believe it.

Christmas, the last several years, has been challenging for me.  And it only having been 13 weeks since my dad passed, I’ve been anticipating the storm clouds to shower over me like the past 4 holiday seasons.   But it feels different.  Lighter. Brighter.  Almost foreign.  And I think these processes have a lot to do with it.

I’ve been playing, maybe for the first time, with my creative process and making it a true priority. Letting go of the judgment, hyper analysis, and just Doing It Now, however imperfect,  and I’m finding SO much life for me in there.  It’s  humbling.  That joy, which I have been so hungry for, but just couldn’t quite access, is starting to show itself effortlessly in my creating.  And its beautiful.  I’m getting a glimpse of the possibilities ahead and I’m beyond grateful.  Tears. The life and aliveness that this brings, literally soul oxygen…I had no idea just how much I wasn’t breathing.

Also, I love the flip cards.  There’s nothing like flipping through and remembering all the good things I’ve done ‘right’ to combat any kind of negative nonsense.  As a reforming perfectionist, anything ‘good’ would get filed away as ‘met expectations’.  And anything other, would get the fine tooth comb treatment, as well as incessant self ridicule.  Remembering these ‘right’ things feels good and restores my confidence and energy to persist and keep going.

And I know with that, I most definitely will win 😉